…With Loneliness ~
Almost two years ago we moved back to the East Coast, something my husband and I had been longing for for many years. But what we didn’t fully understand, was the impact on the remaining 3 people in our household who had only called the Midwest home. We knew there would be some push back from our oldest, he had begun to express uncertainty about the move many months before it came to fruition.
He was in his first year of middle school, a huge point of transition for all children. Graduating from being an elementary school senior to a middle school freshman can be hard. But even before this transition, this child had made many transitions and was already acquainted with being alone. This child is my risky one, dear to my heart because so am I. He definitely walks to the beat of his own drum and sometimes that beat isn’t attractive at all. He frequently found himself in situations where he was misunderstood, rebuked for his behavior, or labeled because of repeat offenses.
Halfway through his 6th-grade year, he found himself in a new state, new school, no friends (he lost his cell phone due to the characteristics mentioned above). He was isolated. The last 2 years of his life have been crippled with thoughts of suicide, cutting, outbursts, holes in my walls, hundreds spent on counseling, and other outlets to engage him in thoughts other than the negative ones he chooses to cling to. So the question is how did we help him cope?
Helping others always begins with helping yourself. His loneliness has been devastating to us emotionally, but maintaining our composure, prayer, and tag-teaming during this season keeps us on our toes. Unfortunately, my husband is the least preferred parent, so knowing this, he and my son frequently went to counseling together. I can level with our son much better than my husband, so sending them both to his therapy sessions was helpful. Telling the truth is the best strategy for just about everything. We tell our son the truth about where his thoughts originate from and that he has a choice about what to do with those thoughts.
Love is the most powerful tool to combat loneliness. After plowing through his tantrums and outbursts, there is usually a window of calm where love can be applied. He often questions love, not understanding why it won’t accuse him of the wrong he’s done and shame him for the decisions he’s made. But we constantly educate him that love is not a feeling or an emotion. It is a position, a choice to maintain a caring relationship where the needs of others supersede their faults. It really is a hard concept to comprehend but we continue teaching it because this will be a foundational truth in developing his own relationship with the Father.
Currently, he is in the 8th grade and we are once again dealing with isolation due to the pandemic. Just the other day he had a meltdown about the collapse of his small circle of friends. As an adult, I have the advantage of history, but as a teenager, nobody knows how you feel and no one has ever been through what you are going through. It’s so hard to combat that limited thinking with actual testimony that his situation is not unique. Making that point never ends well.
I wish I could say problem solved, chapter closed. But to be honest, this will be a journey. I am sure many before me can verify this truth. Helping a teenager who has trouble seeing the big picture and whose obsession with himself is so strong, to see that there are so many people and opportunities in this world, requires patience, creativity, and God. It requires help when you need it and compassion when you don’t want to give it. But the tool that will always win the day is love.
Florencia C. Robertson is a devoted wife and working mom who has authored 2 blogs focusing on the functional application of the 31st chapter of Proverbs and the daily rush hours for working families of 5-9am/pm. She aspires to complete her first fictional book in the near future. Her previous works can be found at byFlorencia.com. You can follow on Twitter @byFlorencia. Florencia is a native of Maryland and currently resides in Charlotte, North Carolina.
